I Feel the Same Way About My Son - Good Friday Message

Abigail and Dolley readers I think it is universally accepted that the teenage years are difficult.  THE most difficult might very well be 13.  The last year of Middle School, the beginning of puberty, and the forming of the personality and social group identification that will steer most kids through their High School years and beyond.  It is a year of awkward growth spurts, or lack thereof - a year of acne, mean girls, and teenage angst.  As spheres of friendships move beyond the neighbors, life long friendships that once were close fade to a distant memory as kids grow up and apart.  No parent enjoys watching their kids struggle but it is part of life and to shield them from these trials can be detrimental to their development; compassion, perseverance, strength, and resilience can only be learned through trial.

All this said, it's still hard for a parent to feel warm and fuzzy about a child who has hurt yours.  Parents of children who are bullied, will immediately understand this sentiment.  I am dealing with such an instance, but this snub has come from child that has been in my house for many years; who I have been fond of, who I've fed, who I've carted around, and welcomed hundreds of times.  Over the last few years, my son would have appreciated his long term friend's support and companionship - instead this boy seized the fact that his major social competition was out of the way and began a nasty little war against my son.  Not only did he withdraw his friendship but then he sought to do my son harm, for which he has been quite successful.

As such, I've had to constantly pray and give this over to the Lord.  I am angry, the Mama Bear in me is riled, and I'd like to pinch his head off.  Yeah, keepin' it real around here at Abigail and Dolley.  I'm human.  So I'm in the yard today and I once again had to give it over to God.  I prayed, "I'm just so mad that he has hurt my son.  We've been good to him and this is how he acts?  Lord, I'm having a hard time."  Very clearly, I felt the Lord say, "Yes, I feel the same way about my Son."


Boom - there you have it, on Good Friday 2015, "I feel the same way about my Son."  Nothing brings home the reality of the cross like personal knowledge.  Nothing makes the judgement of unbelievers clearer than that statement.  John 3:16 is God's love, his way of Salvation, his Sacrifice for mankind - for those who reject it, reject the Son's sacrifice, and the Lord feels no compassion for them. Matthew 22:13.  I get that a little more today.  (Disclaimer - of course I am not comparing the temporary inconvenience of my son's teenage angst to the sacrifice of Christ.  The above is to demonstrate in a tiny way the enormity of the Lord's anger and inability to allow those who have rejected His Son into Heaven.)

Middle School Madness - Two Types of Bullies

Abigail and Dolley readers my son has walked through the gates of pre-teen hell, otherwise known as Middle School.  Neighbors and teachers tried to prepare us for the monumental change from Elementary to Middle but there is no way to prepare; you just have to live through it.  I could do a series of blogs on our experiences in the first semester of Middle School and since I haven't  been inspired to write much lately, that could in fact be an interesting way to blog again.

Every class change, every trip to the bathroom or the lunchroom or the bus is an opportunity for a bully to strike.  Girls are much more devious and viscous in their bullying - boys straightforward.  By and large boy's bullying is physical, girl's bullying emotional - not to say that both types don't have shade of the other but there primary components are clear.

For this blog, let's talk about Boy's bullying and fighting which until this week I assumed went hand in hand but upon discussing it with my son it seems there are two types:

The Challenger

1.  The bully who tries to prove he is tougher than the other kid and take him in a fight (The Challenger)
2.  The bully who knows he's tougher than the other kid and makes the weaker kid suffer (like Biff from Back to the Future).

Biff the Bully

Being keenly aware of what it felt like to be bullied, we determined from Kindergarten we would equip our son to deal with it physically and psychologically.  Enter Martial Arts - from 5 years old forward, he trained in the art, discipline, and techniques of a martial artist.  As a tiny guy with glasses, I feared the worst for him in Kindergarten but through an effervescent personality, watchful teachers and the training he was receiving he avoided it.  He recognized bully in others and started stepping in to defend the underdog.  Martial arts gave him the confidence he needed.

The first instance took place on the 2nd grade play ground, between a bully and an autistic kid.  My son (who I will call Caleb), told the bully to stop.  The bully did not, Caleb ushered him under a sliding board (outside of the watchful eyes of the teachers) and delivered a big punch to the stomach.  Doubled over in pain, he informed the bully that he'd gotten off lightly, this time...  I gushed with Motherly joy and pride at the story to which my 2nd Grader said, "Yeah, but now the Autistic kid hugs me every time he sees me."

Thus, began the dynamic of Caleb the bully destroyer.  This pattern and behavior continued through Elementary School but strict supervision limited the instances where Caleb was called to step in to 3-4 times a year.  Middle School, from a bullying perspective, is a remake of "The Lord of the Flies".

When asked this week why he was coming home with so many stories of fights, he exclaimed, "Mom, they are like zombies!  They just keep coming!  I deal with one and next week there is another to take his place."  He was talking about The Challenger type.  Digging further, he revealed that he regularly steps in against Biff the Bully.  So he deals with both kinds daily.

I said, "So describe the Challenger, what is this kid like?"  Without missing a beat he said, "Oh, those are the Black kids from the Hood."  I scoffed, "Caleb, you are in one of the nicest public schools in the city, there are no kids from the hood that go to your school! When I went to school, there WERE kids from the Hood but you?  No way."  He shrugged, eleven-year-old's are not into nuance. "Well, they walk down the hall and act like they are from the hood, so it's most of these guys that try to fight me." I shake my head in bewilderment, "So what about the other type?"  I ask.  "Oh, those are the big white guys, lots of times football players."

So why to the black kids from Upper Middle Class Suburbia act like they are from the Hood?  Why do large white kids from the same demographic act like Biff the Bully?
 
Vast tomes of psychological research delve into the underlying reasons for both types of behavior.  The gist of the matter, for both, are feelings of inferiority and uncertainty.  Honestly, I believe we spend so much time trying to figure out what makes people do bad things that we loose sight of the fact that they are DOING bad thing. Eleven-year-old old boys don't really care why people are doing something, they are much more pragmatic in how they deal with it and deal with it, they must.


Until next time, Dolley.

Bullies and Liberals - They Have A Lot in Common

Abigail and Dolley readers we have encountered our very first taste of cyber-bullying in our house hold.  There is a little sneaky rat bastard of a kid that lives in our neighborhood.  I have not liked him since the moment I met him.  There has always been something distasteful about this child and while I am a great believer in giving people a chance, I could never shake the fact that I do not like this kid.  Alas, in the ways of the neighborhood, sometimes there is nobody else home.  I have discouraged my son from playing with this kid.  He is not allowed to go in his house and I severely limit the amount of time he spends at mine.

Two times in 24 hours, my son has come in crying that this little rat has gotten others to "ditch" him. Now my son is not a wussy, he is a rough and tumble boy, but the Lord saw fit to give him my soft heart and he does not play silly head games well.  So when the little creep in the neighborhood started trying to turn all the friends in the neighborhood against my otherwise well liked child, my son was taken aback and hurt.  We did the normal parent thing, "Shake it off.  Don't listen to what he says.  He is lying, you still have friends."

Apparently though, this child felt he did not get the reaction and the results he was seeking and sent a text message to my son detailing how no one liked him in the neighborhood.  Big mistake.  You see, unlike his screwed up family, you do not go after someone in this household and escape unscathed.  Using my son's phone, my husband called this child and with righteous indignation was told in no uncertain terms that this type of behavior would stop and right now.  I doubt until his dying day if this brat will ever forget the tongue lashing he was dealt.  Faced with the consequences of his actions and confronted, not by a boy 2 years his junior, but by an irate father who had had enough.  He was stammering and seemingly apologetic, I am sure not for what he'd done, but by the fact that he had been caught doing it.

Allegorically, our Country is much like my son.  Who has run in the door of the Guardians of Liberty with a fat lip and a black eye because the Progressives and Liberals have declared that nobody likes them anymore. They have sneaked around to all the neighbors and tried to stir up trouble.  They have worked within the structures to undermine what has made us great and it is time, Ladies and Gentlemen, to make that phone call to say, no you will not do this.  No you will not and if I see you around here anymore, I will haul you off my property by the scruff of the neck.  We will defend what is ours, we will defend it to the end.