Grief - Truth Serum for Toxic Relationships

An old good friend of mine died this month by her own hand.  I have mourned harder than I expected, especially considering that we had lost touch many years ago.  Events like that make you pause and examine your life, and your friends; they make you determine to draw closer to the ones that you love.

Grief has a flip side though, it peels back sentiment to reveal hidden truth.   

This is especially true for straight forward people who operate without agendas and subterfuges.  Open and honest people, who take others at their word can go through life believing that people who they love, love them back - they say they do after all.  Through grief, rose colored glasses are removed to wipe away tears; as the grieving person reaches out to loved ones, they can be shocked to find a sneering face looking back at them.

Shock envelopes the griever, both parties go through the charade, but for the first time, the griever knows it is an act.  Having operated for years in subterfuge, the manipulator never knows they have been unmasked.  

The honest emotion of grief sends the deceitful one scurrying away to the shadows where they have alway truly inhabited.   Adulters, liars, manipulators, and self-absorbed flakes can never truly give unselfishly of themselves to comfort another person, they are too broken.  The sad truth is, the only person they really love is themselves.

As the days and weeks go by, remembered conversations, flashes of memory, long forgotten events, small digs and subtle insults, hurt feelings, begin to come into focus.  With the rose colored glasses removed, the truth about the toxic relationship emerges.  Even in perfect times of peace and harmony, these relationships are selfish and one sided.  The realization is often as painful as the grief that precipitated it but facing it and dealing with it are a vital part of emotional healing and restoration.  

Every relationship has an emotional bank account. Each person makes deposits and withdrawals from the account as the relationship goes on. The depth of the relationship, the longevity, the closeness all contributes to the available funds. Those factors also contribute to the amount of "overdraft" protection the account has and how long an account in the red will be allowed to stay active before it is closed.

The most difficult thing we can do is close the account for someone we have loved deeply.  To walk away from someone that hurts us, to leave that relationship in the grave with the grief that revealed it, is the most empowering and freeing things we can do for ourselves.  Ironically, the person you are walking away from might not ever realize you are gone, but then again, that is exactly the point.

What I've Learned About Grief

Abigail and Dolley readers today we mark the three year anniversary of my Father's passing.  It was a cold, clear, beautiful January day exactly like it is today.  That he should leave us on such a day was a fitting tribute to him, because he was such a light in this world and his personality was bright and warm.  The world is a sadder and darker place without him and there has not been a day that has gone by that I have not missed him and wished he was still here.  I have come to realize a lot of things about grief these last few years and I'd like to share with you some of my lessons.

The first lesson is that everyone has to grieve in their own way.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  A quick internet search will yield many articles on the stages of grief but it is important to realize that they are not linear, predictable, or all inclusive.  A recently bereft person may go through three or four stages a day, some might never feel or experience one of the stages - grief is a personal thing.

Next, grief has it's own timing.  There is no chart that you can concoct that will say, you will grieve X amount of days for the loss of a parent, X amount of days for the loss of a spouse, ect.  It will simply be a personal experience and no amount of time, either personal or arbitrary will change that.  One of the best things I recall reading in the days afterwards were that you only get a chance to grieve right once.  If you try to rush through, push it down, move on before it is time, it will spring up in unexpected ways and times and can truly disrupt or disturb the rest of your life.  So do not rush this process, it will have it's own time whether you like it or not.

The pain closet... We have within our brains a space where we keep our most painful memories.  In the course of everyday life, we can walk by the closet, we know what is in there but we do not open the door.  We do not go inside.  When someone close to you dies, you have to go in there.  You do not have a choice, this loss belongs in that space.  If you are young, the closet might be empty, so you throw the item in there and shut the door.  If the closet is neat and tidy, you can box up this grief, add it to the inventory and get the heck out of there!  Unfortunately, most of us do not have a neat and tidy pain closet.  Some will open the door and an avalanche will ensue.  For those, there they stand with the deepest pain in their life surrounding them and the can not figure out why they are crying over something that happened 30 years before.  Some will shove the new box into the closet and like a traveler sitting on a suitcase will force the bolts closed.  Others may collapse in despair and stay in the closet way too long surrounded by misery.  Still others, will pick up the pieces and arrange them orderly on the shelf because it is the right time and they are strong enough to do it.  Again, each person is going to deal with this differently.

Everyone who loved the deceased has a right to grieve.  This is particularly sticky in the age of divorce or in the case of long term domestic partnerships.  Ex's are not expected to mourn.  If years have passed, it is even more shocking to them and everyone around them if they mourn deeply.  There is a shame in this type of grief, especially if they are remarried.  This was one of the most complicated aspects of the grieving process.

Lastly, people in mourning may react inappropriately, they might say things they should not, they may snap and be angry.  When the fog of grief begins to lift they may deeply regret those things, forgive them.  Be ready though, because it can take you by surprise.

In the end, you never get over it but you learn how to live with it.  If you and your loved ones are believers and followers of Christ, take comfort that you will see them again.  This is the greatest hope and the buttress that has seen me through.  For there is no death for those in Christ, just a brief parting before we join them again.