Grief - Truth Serum for Toxic Relationships

An old good friend of mine died this month by her own hand.  I have mourned harder than I expected, especially considering that we had lost touch many years ago.  Events like that make you pause and examine your life, and your friends; they make you determine to draw closer to the ones that you love.

Grief has a flip side though, it peels back sentiment to reveal hidden truth.   

This is especially true for straight forward people who operate without agendas and subterfuges.  Open and honest people, who take others at their word can go through life believing that people who they love, love them back - they say they do after all.  Through grief, rose colored glasses are removed to wipe away tears; as the grieving person reaches out to loved ones, they can be shocked to find a sneering face looking back at them.

Shock envelopes the griever, both parties go through the charade, but for the first time, the griever knows it is an act.  Having operated for years in subterfuge, the manipulator never knows they have been unmasked.  

The honest emotion of grief sends the deceitful one scurrying away to the shadows where they have alway truly inhabited.   Adulters, liars, manipulators, and self-absorbed flakes can never truly give unselfishly of themselves to comfort another person, they are too broken.  The sad truth is, the only person they really love is themselves.

As the days and weeks go by, remembered conversations, flashes of memory, long forgotten events, small digs and subtle insults, hurt feelings, begin to come into focus.  With the rose colored glasses removed, the truth about the toxic relationship emerges.  Even in perfect times of peace and harmony, these relationships are selfish and one sided.  The realization is often as painful as the grief that precipitated it but facing it and dealing with it are a vital part of emotional healing and restoration.  

Every relationship has an emotional bank account. Each person makes deposits and withdrawals from the account as the relationship goes on. The depth of the relationship, the longevity, the closeness all contributes to the available funds. Those factors also contribute to the amount of "overdraft" protection the account has and how long an account in the red will be allowed to stay active before it is closed.

The most difficult thing we can do is close the account for someone we have loved deeply.  To walk away from someone that hurts us, to leave that relationship in the grave with the grief that revealed it, is the most empowering and freeing things we can do for ourselves.  Ironically, the person you are walking away from might not ever realize you are gone, but then again, that is exactly the point.

30 Days of Birth Pangs - Day 16 Boasters

2 Timothy 3:2 - Boasters... (First, confession time:  Oh, God forgive me, I have been so guilty of this through my life.  I have always been ready to tell anyone who would listen how smart, talented, and successful I am.  I have listened to other people tell their stories simply so I could tell mine.  Until one season, where the Lord had enough of this ugly behavior and took it all away.  I lay in a broken clump with everything about me reduced to nothing.  It was only then that He really began to use me.  It was only then that I began to move in Galatians 6:14.  Derek Web's classic song, Awake My Soul, became my anthem and through the discipline of the Lord, I die daily.... but I'm still cute.  ((Sarcasm... well, sort of))

In the Greek, Boasters is Alazon which means empty pretender or boaster.  Thesaurus.com lists various synonyms including blow hard, braggert, big mouth, know it all, show off, and grand stander.  (Ouch)  Brian Regan is one of the greatest comedians of all time, has a stand up where he called boasters, "Me Monsters", check it out:

As lovers of self, we are naturally inclined to this behavior.  Social media has given us a world wide platform, it is often nauseating.  From my own experience, I was a boaster until the Lord took me down... often boasters have never known failure.  The work of their hands has been so blessed they believe they are indeed better, smarter, and more accomplished.  They believe of themselves that had they been born in Haiti they would have risen above their circumstances and prevailed - they are wrong.  Extreme poverty, hunger, danger, illness is not overcome by force of will alone.  Lacking proper basics in childhood stunts growth and intellect - so boasters believe more highly of themselves.  The bible warns, "Be not wise in thy own eyes." Proverbs 3:7

Boasters have been around since Cain and Abel - perhaps it was Cain bragging to the Lord about his sacrifice that sparked his murderous anger toward his brother.  Cain's sacrifice was one of his own effort as a farmer, while Abel's was a sacrifice of his flock.  Ephesians 2:8-9 clearly demonstrates the principal at work in the story of the original brothers.  "Lest any man should boast."

30 Days of Birth Pangs - Day 1 Lovers of Self

Matthew 24:8 - Jesus declares that the coming end of the age will be like birth pangs upon a woman.  We know that as labor progresses the pains get more intense and closer together.  This series will explore a new event each day, to encourage the believer, to wake up the sleeping, and to convict the skeptic.  2 Timothy 3:2 famously describes the condition of mankind at the end.  So we will start here - lovers of self.

Selfies = Self Love

Have we ever seen a time where love of self was greater?  In 2013, Oxford Dictionary declared that Selfie was the word of the year.  The advent of social media has perpetuated an age of self worship.  Obviously, man has always loved himself and Jesus admonished us to love our neighbors as ourselves (Mark 12:31) which proves that we do not need to be taught to love ourselves but must learn to love others just as much.

Narcissism is a psychological disorder that inflates the love of self at the expense of empathy for others.  The scientific findings and measurements of the rise in this condition are startling.  Psychology Today reports that simple tests given to college students show " approximately 70 percent of students today score higher on narcissism and lower on empathy than did the average student thirty years ago."

The United States has elected, twice, a President that uses the first person pronouns to such an extent that it would be comical if it was not so serious.  He is President Selfie and has embarrassed himself and the nation numerous times with his unrestrained self love.

September 2011 - UN Heads of State Group Picture

Pop culture idolizes and perpetuates this love of self - people aspire everyday for validation and admiration among their peers and the internet.  Romans 1:28 says that since they have rejected God, He will give them over to a reprobate mind.

We worship ourselves and our bodies.  We know that if we eat the right foods, take the right vitamins, work out in the right way we will preserve this flesh.  It is the same lie... "Surely you will not die..." (Genesis 3:4).  Books can be and have been written on the subject.  If you live in this time, you get the point.

No one is immune from this, we love ourselves.  I'm not excluded from this and it requires prayer and discipline to knock myself off the throne of my life and put the one who rightfully belongs there.  It is a daily discipline.

Lovers of Self - Day 1 in the 30 days of Birth Pangs - Rapture index Score:  10 out of 10