Defining Yourself

In a perfect world, we operate in complete understanding and self-knowledge.  We understand our motivations, we are rational in our decision making, and we do not allow emotions to override what we know to be an evidentiary truth.  In this Utopia, we are grounded in the reality of who we are and focus not on our failures but the lessons we learned from the tough times and the positive results that were achieved by rising above.  We are strong and self-confident, we accept praise from those we love and believe the good things they say about us.  Critics, while they exist here, are to cause us to examine ourselves, to course-correct where necessary but never to let them determine how we feel about who we are.  Likewise, those who reject us - employers, lovers, family, and friends are shrugged off as not worthy of us, not a good match, or unsuitable for long term companionship.

Unfortunately, in reality, the critic and the rejectors are often the very people we allow to define us to ourselves in our internal thought life.

We can allow the most hurtful insults, the most painful rejection, the lowest points of our lives to become the defining moments and characteristics that play over and over again like a broken record that refuses to stop.  The rational part of the brain knows that this is not the truth, the people that love us and encourage us, assure us that this is not reality but there is something broken inside of us.  Something that clings to the terrible.  Deep inside, we believe the critic and the rejector.

As Christians, we recognize this is the sinful fallen nature, the flesh and the blackness of who we really are without Christ.  Perhaps it is our way of punishing ourselves, definitely, it is a way for the enemy to keep us in condemnation, or at the very least it is something we do that is so buried that we do not really recognize that we are doing it at all.

There are studies that say that 80% of self-talk is negative.  How much of that comes from letting the critics and the rejectors define who we think we are?  How do these phrases that loop through your head at regular intervals frame your life?

Have you been fired from a job?  Do you hear the words, "I'm sorry but we are going to have to let you go." over and over again?

Rejected by a lover, "I just don't love you anymore.  You used to be fun, now you are so serious."

A false friend, "Sorry I haven't called, I've just been so busy.  We'll get together soon, I promise."  All the while posting picture after picture of themselves and other friends at events where you were not included or invited.

"Why aren't you more successful like your Brother Harry?"  The cruel and judgemental parent asks.

Overheard whisper at the family reunion, "Yeah, the youngest one over there, nothing but trouble.  In an out of rehab, drugs... I always knew that one..."

The exasperated teacher, "I just don't think you are going to be able to succeed in this class, Roland.  I've made arrangements with the Special Education Teacher for her to come and get you and take you to her class from now on."

These events, phrases, and times can be decades old yet they still haunt our psyches.  They still play over and over like a bad commercial, they still define who we think that we are.  Only when we recognize the pattern can we be free of it.

Consider for a moment, we take critics and rejection so personally because they are often rejecting the very thing that makes us unique - the thing that makes us who we are!  

If we try to remake ourselves into something we are not, we are not being true to ourselves. The critic will never take back their hurtful words, and new relationships that we might form are stymied because we are not being honest with anyone!

I have done this several times!  I was fired from a General Manager's job and given a list of reasons why they let me go, mainly that I was not sales oriented enough, that I was too operations-centric.  My next job?  You guessed it, full-time sales.  Several years later, I took another General Manager's job and was determined to do everything right - all the criticism the last company had levied at me, I made sure I did not do.  In the end?  You guessed it, they fired me for not being operations-centric enough and being too sales-focused!  It was bizarre.  I reeled.

In the end, we can not allow those who reject us to define who we are to ourselves.  That inner self, the inner dialogue should be defined by those who love us.  It should be filled with affirmations and love, not condemnation and regret.

Grief - Truth Serum for Toxic Relationships

An old good friend of mine died this month by her own hand.  I have mourned harder than I expected, especially considering that we had lost touch many years ago.  Events like that make you pause and examine your life, and your friends; they make you determine to draw closer to the ones that you love.

Grief has a flip side though, it peels back sentiment to reveal hidden truth.   

This is especially true for straight forward people who operate without agendas and subterfuges.  Open and honest people, who take others at their word can go through life believing that people who they love, love them back - they say they do after all.  Through grief, rose colored glasses are removed to wipe away tears; as the grieving person reaches out to loved ones, they can be shocked to find a sneering face looking back at them.

Shock envelopes the griever, both parties go through the charade, but for the first time, the griever knows it is an act.  Having operated for years in subterfuge, the manipulator never knows they have been unmasked.  

The honest emotion of grief sends the deceitful one scurrying away to the shadows where they have alway truly inhabited.   Adulters, liars, manipulators, and self-absorbed flakes can never truly give unselfishly of themselves to comfort another person, they are too broken.  The sad truth is, the only person they really love is themselves.

As the days and weeks go by, remembered conversations, flashes of memory, long forgotten events, small digs and subtle insults, hurt feelings, begin to come into focus.  With the rose colored glasses removed, the truth about the toxic relationship emerges.  Even in perfect times of peace and harmony, these relationships are selfish and one sided.  The realization is often as painful as the grief that precipitated it but facing it and dealing with it are a vital part of emotional healing and restoration.  

Every relationship has an emotional bank account. Each person makes deposits and withdrawals from the account as the relationship goes on. The depth of the relationship, the longevity, the closeness all contributes to the available funds. Those factors also contribute to the amount of "overdraft" protection the account has and how long an account in the red will be allowed to stay active before it is closed.

The most difficult thing we can do is close the account for someone we have loved deeply.  To walk away from someone that hurts us, to leave that relationship in the grave with the grief that revealed it, is the most empowering and freeing things we can do for ourselves.  Ironically, the person you are walking away from might not ever realize you are gone, but then again, that is exactly the point.

Love is Something You Do

We are not always lovable, none of us are.  Having been with my husband for almost 25 years, (admittedly not an easy guy to get along with) I speak from experience.  Raising a teenager offers its own lessons in loving someone who is not always lovable.  Throw me in the mix, who can be grumpy in the morning and very detail and process oriented - I make the "big picture" men in my life crazy.  Thus, here we are - three imperfect people with our own foibles and idiosyncrasies, trying our best to remember that love is something you do, not something you feel.  We are largely quite successful at it although you would not know that from the chill that is in the air today in my house.

I've been struggling with something to blog about lately, and advise on how to love one another when you don't "feel" it seems like a timeless topic.

The first thing to remember is that things change, for good or for bad situations and feelings are fleeting.

Do not say things to each other that you would not say to your best friend.

We know each other's vulnerable spots, never use that as a weapon, ever.

Home is a sanctuary.

Women, don't emasculate your men.  Their balls don't belong in your purse.

When you don't feel love for somebody, write them a love letter.  It will remind you and encourage them.

Respect each other.

Have faith that God has each of us on our own journey, sometimes we won't understand the "why's".

Spend time outside together.

Don't let disagreements fester.

Practice positive affirmations and self talk toward your loved ones, "Even though I am angry with them, I deeply love and accept them.  I forgive them.  I will encourage them, ect."

Send them text messages that say that you love them.

Pray Ephesians 6 over your household

Forgive

Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and substitute "I" for love in those Scriptures.

Remember that Romans 5:8 teaches us about love.

In the end, if we employ the above we will be loved and will love those the Lord has given us well.  We will be a testimony to His faith and righteousness if we love.

30 Days of Birth Pangs - Day 23 Nobody Loves Me

We read about the last days faithful church in Revelation 3:7-13, I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name.

Unlike the Laodiceans, who are rich and powerful, this pitiful church is barely hanging on.  Everybody hates them and nobody hates them more than the Laodiceans.  The Philadelphia church is everything to be despised, they believe in the whole bible, they preach sin, they tell people they are going to hell if they aren't saved, they live their godly little pious lives and the Laodiceans hate them for it.  If you don't believe me, listen to this Laodicean currently spreading this filth in my home town (the silly voice is dubbed so he is not able to sway you with his cunning words and style, but the words are verbatim):

Even my Christian friends will post rubbish like this, the most recent example was something that I saw on a facebook feed this morning about bar stools in church.  The Holy Spirit inside of me had a tantrum over it.  I want you to watch it, not from a "Yeah, God is love stand point" but from a perspective of this man is tearing down the faithful church,  This man offers no hope or salvation for the sinner.  This man wants to make the guy who is comfortable in a bar comfortable in his church.  Something is wrong with that!  There are plenty of bars, I've been to my share, I want to go to a house of God to worship, I want to be convicted of my sins, I want to change and move from glory to glory - I want off the bar stool!  This "preacher's" half version of Jesus (only the love half) will never convict the man, it will never tell the man that it wasn't the people's judgement he felt, it was the Holy Spirit of God convicting him but the Laodiceans will never convict, except the church of Philadelphia, who are honestly the only people they don't want in their churches.

Makes a difference putting those hearing aids doesn't it?  Did you hear, the pastor wanted the sinner to feel joy and happiness in his sin.  The world has enough bar stools, we need some nice, hard, sturdy, upright church pews.  Derek Webb's classic song, Nobody Loves Me, is a perfect illustration for the beat up, powerless, and much maligned Church of Philadelphia.  It is of note that this church, well this church is the only one that Jesus did not rebuke.  Even so, Come Lord Jesus.

Lovers of Self - Day 1 - Rapture Index Score:  10 out of 10

Perplexities of Nations - Day 2 - Rapture Index Score:  8 out of 10

Mass Animal Deaths - Day 3 - Rapture Index Score:  7 out of 10

Revilers - Day 4 - Rapture Index Score:  8 out of 10

Signs in the Heavens - Day 5 - Rapture Index Score:  9 out of 10

Commotions - Day 6 - Rapture Index Score:  7 out of 10

Scoffers - Day 7 - Rapture Index Score:  10 of 1

Vexed Souls - Day 8 - Rapture Index Score:  10 of 10

Greed -Day 9 - Rapture Index Score:  8 of 10

Famine - Day 10 - Rapture Index Score:  8 of 10

Itching Ears- Day 11 - Rapture Index Score:  10 of 10

Rushing to and fro - Day 12 - Rapture Index Score: 10 of 10

Blind Eyes and Hard Hearts - Day 13 - Rapture Index Score:  9 of 10

Brutal Men - Day 14 - Rapture Index Score:  8 of 10

Wars and Rumors of Wars - Day 15 - Rapture Index Score:  9 of 10

Boasters - Day 16 - Rapture Index Score:  9 of 10

Messianic Jews - Day 17 - Rapture Index Score:  7 of 10

Demonic Activity - Day 18 - Rapture Index Score:  8 of 10

Lawlessness - Day 19 - Rapture Index Score: 9 of 10

Hedging Your Bets - Day 20 - Rapture Index Score:  9 of 10

You Make Me Want to Vomit  - Day 21 - Rapture Index Score:  10 of 10

Earthquakes- Day 22 - Rapture Index Score:  10 of 10

Nobody Loves Philadelphia - Day 23 - Rapture Index Score:  10 of 10

Total to date:  203 out of 230 or 88.26%