Aug 10, 2013

Falling on Grace

I don't accept help comfortably or well.  Fiercely independent and self sufficient, "By myself!" was one of my first sentences.  I have never been still.  My family tells me that while I was a loving child I would not sit on anyone's lap and cuddle, unless they had a book.  I wanted my own apartment at 13 and constructed, what I believed to be, an extremely compelling argument for the merits of such an arrangement.  I have accepted as little help as possible my entire life.  I prefer to be the giver:  the big sister, the loving wife, the generous mother, the benevolent boss, the helpful daughter, the faithful friend.  Those are roles I prefer to play.

My colleagues gave me a baby shower before my son was born and I do not know if I have ever been so uneasy in my entire life.  A faithful colleague commented, "Dolley is not used to having people do for her, look how uncomfortable she is!"  Perhaps that was the first time I ever registered that thought and for me, it was a source of pride.

God broke me in 2011 and in most ways I am still broken.  There is a beautiful country song called, "Glass" that resonates with me.  The refrain says, "We are fragile, we are human, we are shaped by the light we let through us, we break fast, we are glass."  In spite of the brokenness, I am still not comfortable asking for help.

Recently, the Lord has shown me I was not made to be self sufficient.  Today, He revealed that I am even uncomfortable receiving from Him.  My prayers are often prayers of mercy; I ask Him to take things from me but not DO things for me.  I am under such intense spiritual attack at this point in my life, I am humbled to ask for help.  I can not walk this path alone, I can not pick myself up when I stumble, I have to hold my hand up and take the help that is offered.

One of the most profound talents of our time was the singer Rich Mullins.  He walked a very deep spiritual path and I identify with him.  His song, If I Stand, followed me on my walk today and I realize that bruised and battered as I am no longer capable of standing, so I will fall on the grace.